Whose College Search Is It Anyway?

I had a wonderful talk with a writing specialist (more on that later) and was reminded about the pressures of the entire college search process on some of our kids. Wait a minute - you mean finding the right colleges isn't fun and easy? Filling out all those applications isn't a piece of cake? Hitting all the deadlines? Writing all the essays? Getting it all right????? AAAAHHHHH.

Yeah, there is stress associated with the college application process. Stress isn't necessarily a bad thing. Stress - when managed properly - can help focus all of us to get things done. Too much stress, unmanaged stress, is never a good thing for anyone. But don't confuse the "good" types of stress that can help us get things done, and the bad pressures that can lead to serious problems. They are NOT the same things. And a common thread among many students under too much pressure during the college admission process are kids that are living their parent's dream, not their own.

Many of us parents already had our glory days in college. We maybe loved them - or hated them - or wished we did them differently - or want our progeny to learn from our mistakes. That's great! That's what parents are for. We're here for GUIDANCE!! And the fact is some 11th graders aren't motivated to do their own college search, and neither are some 12th graders, so parents have to take the reins and forge ahead.  Hopefully the majority of these kids will wake up and get motivated in time to put in a good effort on essays and activity lists for their applications. The parents that took the lead in these instances have to understand that there is a point when they need to hand those reins over to their son or daughter, and let them make the decision as to where to apply (within reason - 20 schools is too many......). 

As a parent you can make guidelines as to where your child should apply, especially when finances are an issue. But if you the parent demand your child apply to your alma mater that your child either (1) can't get into or (2) hates and fears you'll make her go to if she gets into, what kind of stress are you creating? What's the point? If you look at U.S. News and pick among the top 20 schools for your son and say "Here, apply to these" and he freaks out because the programs he wants are offered at other schools, "lower" ranked schools, schools better for him, are you really helping? This is your child's college search, not your college search. We had our chance. This is our kid's time. Don't confuse guidance with coercion. Don't create more stress or pressure.

The writing maven I mentioned earlier, Stacy Acker, who runs a business called The Writing Shop in Boca Raton, reminded me of a wonderful book that should be required reading for all parents of high schoolers. It's by Frank Bruni and it's called Where You Go is Not Who You'll Be. This is absolutely true. Run out and get a copy of this book right now (and I do not know Frank Bruni and I will not get any proceeds if you purchase any copies!!).

By the way - if your son or daughter is truly not engaged in the college search process by the beginning of senior year of high school, you need to sit down with them and have a serious heart to heart conversation. A non-judgemental conversation. Maybe they are not ready for college. Just because you are ready to get them out of the house doesn't mean they are ready to be successful at college. Taking a gap year might be the right thing for them. Take a breath and listen to what they are thinking about. Listen to their thoughts or their fears. Listen without talking. And then the two of you will decide what the best decision for your family. Remember, it's their college process, not yours.